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| I'm not sure what is more difficult sometimes-letting go of somedays or trying to keep believing in them.
Some of my Love,
Jenn
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| You know, as lovely as
the mountains are, they don't make my heart beat faster or just really
make me come alive like other places I've been. But Africa on the other
hand...I'm still jealous ;0)
Did you know that I have a second job? Yep-working at ALCO of all
places. Today I started on register. It's not that great, but it will
mean that much more of my debt paid! And wages are going up soon to
$12! Now that's hard to come by-must be the higher cost of living up
here.That doesn't sound that great maybe, but it's the most I've ever
made an hour outside of waitressing.
Yesterday was a blast though-I got to go out on the lake with my new
friend from work, Miya, and 6 of her buds and puppy. I learned to wake
surf--totally different than wakeboarding and just a blast. The water
was so, shall I say, refreshing?
The day before I got to see Seusical-there's a great little playhouse
in town that puts on some really quality productions. This wednesday is
a huge fireworks show (like the Big Bang Boom-was that great?) and then
the fam is coming up and we'll camp and go hiking to some neaby falls.
Then the next week I have plans to go white water rafting (for free)
with Miya, led by some guys that she knows who are full-time guides!
Do you think things can change back to the way they were as quickly as
they changed in the first place? I'm afraid some things never will for
me. I'm a very happy-go-lucky girl, but there's this lump in me that
surfaces the moment I turn my eyes inward. I can see life from the
other side and I'm casually making decisions I once would have referred
to as serious mistakes.
I've been reading Proverbs though, which is exactly what I need.
Unfortunatly it's not connecting so well because I'm so wiped when I
get home at night and the Bible you gave me is with Kaitlin Bargstadt,
so I'm reading King James to make it that much harder. Those are
probably just excuses though. Really, I usually feel like one of the
people God's talking about when he says that his word won't make sense
to those who don't know Him. I pressed into Him so much and I was one
of His "in" people who He spoke to, but something happened and I got
tired of pressing in to this mystery that I could never solve. My
relationship with him was like the need to yawn. I knew I needed it and
it felt right, but only makes you want to yawn more whenever you think
about it again. I feel like I've been teased by spirituality. I wanted
more, more, more, and then realized you can only get so much from the
Lord on this side of life. Have I treated God like a drug? A gateway
drug that led to more dangerous and contrary things? How can good and
evil be so hard to distinguish.
My heart breaks for those that don't know my God, because I know He is
the I AM, but I can't talk too much about Him to anyone but a complete
stranger, because I'm afraid they'll see right through me--like someone
paid to be in a commercial for an excellent product, but who uses the
generic brand because it's cheaper. Or a mother chiding her child who
she cares for to eat more broccoli because she knows it is healthful,
but she herself either hates the stuff or just doesn't care enough
about herself to put forth the effort to do likewise. This is what God
means when he talks about the blind leading the blind. I know the path
by heart, but I have scales over my eyes that cause me to doubt even
the best of my instincts. I need Jesus to remove them for my own sake
and so that others will trust me when I lead them where they need to go.
I have decided to do what I want. If I want to go to culinary school
just for the heck of it even if I don't make a career of it, then I
should work my tail off to pay for it and just do it! I've realized
that my dreams are possible. I just have to live life in increments of
working very hard and playing very hard. If I've always wanted to try
modeling, then I should get the connections and go with it. It doesn't
matter if I'm not the best or the prettiest or most successful. I want
to try that.
This is also my vice. Yes, we all do have vices-you were right Jen. I
want to experience everything, even if I know it is going to be
harmful. I just want to freaking live. And you know it's simpler to
budget when you're broke.
The people who love me are too good for me, and if they aren't too good
for me I make a point of knowing it, thereby proving that I am not good
enough for those that love me.
Also, I'm afraid I'll never fall in love again. This makes me cry. I've
never had a relationship last and I can't picture it. I have this
belief that it's better to love alot however you can for a short time
and say goodbye while it's still sweet than to hope for more. Catch it
while you can, right? Every family has it's token photographer-the one
who is never really a part of the action because they're too busy
taking tidbits of what a good time looks like from the outside. They'd
rather have the pictures to show for it later than for their memory to
fail them and have nothing to hold onto at all. That's not the best
analogy, but basically I want to know that love has happened to me.
I'll do something hasty to prove this. Skip the detached
formalities--there is another way. I like to use extra senses to that
my skin can help my mind remember these times. Meanwhile, those who
don't take any "snapshots" are having a great time talking and laughing
without giving anything away.
It is very difficult to get rejected when you're the one who leaves.
Even better if leaving is part of the plan all along. It is also very
easy to like any person for only a day/night. What good does a fling do
for anyone? I want to know, because I have a problem with wanting what
is not good for me. Do I want to be reminded of what I am really
looking for? Is there something deep and hidden going on in the heart
of mine, or am I just letting myself be led by my natural desires and
nothing more. It's like taking ecstasy to understand what happiness is,
but in the long run it pushes true happiness that much farther out of
reach.
Am I fated to play the part of Hosea's runnaway bride over and over? I
would rather relate to Mary Magdeline who turned right when Jesus
forgave her, but I have been treated only the best and yet I
continually romance both sides. I don't want to be spewed out of my
Father's mouth, but I don't know how much of my own heart is in my
control. How does this play out Lord? Am I just destined to follow this
winding path of destruction and redemption? I don't want to abuse your
grace and pound more nails into your hands, but you already paid for
every sin I would commit, can I hurt you in retrospect? Does this mean
I am destined to mess up so much in any case so why struggle against
it? I can't believe this is coming out of my hands. This is nonsense,
but it must be what I've been believing, because here it comes as I
type.
(By the way, there is supposedly a ghost here and things are banging around as I type.)
This has turned into a huge journal entry about a tired woman's
rantings. I guess this isn't a letter so much as an invitation to read
my journal. I don't know what the heck I'm talking about really.
Consider this uncensored material from Jenn's spirit straight to the
keypad, because my weary mind isn't proofreading anything whatsoever. I
don't even know why I'm sending this to you or how this got started,
but I'm clicking send in my delerium.
Somebody tell me I'm wrong and why. Somebody tell me that love is
sacred and show me. Somebody give me something more than a feeling to
hold on to for I fear I've been chasing an emotion after all. Please
make it all right.
At what point does someone become alone? When they're independent or
forsaken. I have many friends and I choose my independence, but there
are parts of me that are alone I think. I need to know someone will
keep holding my hand if I needed it more than I want someone to hold my
hand. Someone explain what's wrong with so many things that only give
pleasure other than the guilt that we've attached to them ourselves. (I
am a hippie at heart.) Somebody slap me so I don't have to and I can
feel outside-directed fear instead of self-directed anger. Someone make
my heartbeat like the mountains don't. Someone treat me like a child.
Someone be patient with me. Someone catch my tears because I don't mind
how they feel when they well up, but I like to keep my cheeks dry.
I love puppies because they put love on you. They don't speak, but they
slather you with kisses all over and they have no other way to show you
how they feel. Somebody be a puppy to me.
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| Well,
I'm in Colorado at Betty's Cafe and Bakery-and no, it didn't turn out
to be a scam or a brothel house ;0). We're located in between Granby
and the edge of Grand Lake (the city). Grand Lake is a very touristy
place, and the lake itself is the largest natural lake in all of
Colorado. In fact, 64% of the homeowners here are second home owners. I
saw multimillion dollar "cabins" on half a million dollar plots
today-Tim Allen has a place that we drove by today and rumor has it
Jennifer Aniston does as well! Right now they're building a
multibillion dollar resort a few miles down the road that's supposed to
be the largest and best of it's kind-like a Cabella's on steroids-with
5 lakes and bunches of condos etc. Yet, I wouldn't consider this part
of the country Ritzy either-it's not that kind of getaway. The source
of the Colorado River is about 10 miles away. They don't call it the
Grand Canyon because it's big-it's because it came from Grand County,
CO! The roads are so fun getting out here-probably some of the
funnest in the nation. There were switchbacks and turns that I couldn't
take above 20 mph on the highway. (Anybody whose been to the Rockies
understands that this isn't unusual.) I drove up pretty late Sunday
night and the sun starts setting at 9 o'clock because of the mountains.
Sundown is the time when all the wild animals really start coming out.
We have a few raccoons living in our dumpster and even the bears are
likely to pay a visit every once in a while to rummage! The pine pollen
is crazy and my eyes and nose is reacting-somebody get me some
Bennedril quick! Right now the beetles are killing the Lodgewood Pines
left and right, but normally it's even worse and you can see yellow
smoke blowing around from it! What you hear about the mountain lions is
true too-you really shouldn't go hiking without someone else along
because they will stalk you and there's only certain places that I
should go running. The moose are equally dangerous-in fact, the (ex)
mayor was stomped to death in the middle of town last year! As long as
we're talking about danger, the winters are crazy as well. The locals
know you should never walk under a building's awning because at any
time a sheet of ice could slip off the roof and kill you! One time a
guy got a chunk of his ear sliced off by an icicle! Today there was a
forest fire less than 25 miles away and you could see the smoke
billowing up over the valley. We were watching it close because it was
very destructive and they were considering evacuating Granby which
means we wouldn't be far behind. It can take days to put one of those
out! On to happier things though! The first person I met (other
than Betty) is a lumberjack-a real live one! (Boy, I must sound really
dumb to the locals getting excited about that :0), and when I met
Betty, we greeted eachother with hugs-she'll take good care of me, I
know. So far I really like the people I'm working with. Ages range from
15 to 50-something and there are only 6 of us working for Betty, all
girls (so we'd better get along because we don't have the option of
forming clicks ;0). I really do like the girls around my age. All of
them are locals from Grand Lake but me, which is cool because I can get
a better feel for the place hanging out with people who actually know
the area. Betty likes to get staff from all around, but this was an
unusual year. I cooked today and I'm waiting tomorrow-jumping right in.
The menu's simple to learn and I'm not worried about anything...except
I hope I get to help bake sometimes. Betty's is most famous for their
pies. Unfortunately, the baker has been around for the past 3 summers,
so my time will be limited. The bright side is I won't have to start
work at 4-5 am like she does! After work today we went into
town to purchase my pass for the national park (!!) and Betty pointed
out points of interest. There's a lady that teaches belly dance-I'm so
checking into that! The pastor of the local church comes to Betty's all
the time, so I'll probably meet him tomorrow and see what night/weekday
services are available and see how I can help with VBS next week.
There's a cute coffee shop (that Tim Allen frequents). Horseback
riding, canoe rental, 4-wheelers galore, and an elite playhouse that's
putting on a bunch of shows this summer (and more). Then we went on a
little hike and saw a porcupine nest (up in the tree-tops), a mama
moose and her baby, an elk, tiny blue butterflies, Lincoln laying on
his back (the silhouette from a peak), and a waterway built in the
1900s (and more). And I get to explore this stuff every day! Honestly,
if I could choose between the beach and the mountains (like the old
days of M.A.S.H. games), I'd always pick the beach, and after all I've
seen in Europe (like the Alps) I have to remind myself just how cool
this is and how I'll probably never get a chance to live in a place
like this again. I do find it lovely though and I'm sure this place
will only continue to grow on me. Just so I don't get too attached-I
wouldn't want to do the same thing 2 summers in a row or anything! | | |
| Venice was amazing. It's exactly like you expect it to be from all the pictures-it fits every stereotype we give it. Now that we're in the Mediterranean region it's much warmer and I can't wait to go to Rome tomorrow! We're going to get to swim in that lovely Mediterranean water! Today on our train ride, something broke on the train or something (I didn't understand it all in Italian, but we knew it was bad because everyone let out a collective sigh) and it was delayed for 105 minutes total! It's a good thing we aren't on a tight schedule, isn't it! Sometimes those train rides are a welcome change. Well, tonight we're going to get a bite to eat-as I'm sure you could bet, Italian pizza is delicious and (surprisingly) cheap. I think that sounds good for tonight. | | |
| Writing from Europe: I'm alive and well, and having a really great time. It seemed like we were moving around so much it would be a little stressful, but it's very chill and we've met people from all over. The independence and getting to explore is just really fun. Right now it's raining in Prague and I'm back at our hostel. It's a neat place decorated with graffitti everywhere, yummy breakfast, and a surprising amount of english-speakers. We've managed to run into great people to hang out with-we found a guy who's been here for 6 weeks who took us to all the best places and we didn't have to worry about finding a thing for the past 2 days. We've already been to London and seen all the big sights and we're very glad to be in the Czech Republic now where everything is much cheaper! We saw a castle yesterday and know the city streets pretty well at this point. I had my first beer (bleck-don't know if I can get used to that stuff) and some pretty yummy drinks at several bars/clubs as well. It's been a good time so far, and I still have my head strongly connected to my shoulders. I can tell people are praying at home because we've just been met with favor in all our interactions (thanks to whoever you are!). We all were struck by this amazing feeling as we sat in the common room with a bunch of new friends-NO WORRIES. It's fun to be touristy, and it's fun to party it up, but it's incredible to just sit and listen to the quirky music playing without a care in the world. Time feels so different here and it seems as though we've been gone forever. I know just the same it is going to go so quickly. All the changes are good and I'm ready for more. Jennica asked me what I wanted to get out of this trip-goals so to speak-and I didn't have an answer for her. I don't know what I want out of this trip. It's not just to check something off of a life to-do-list, but I'm just very open. I'm not that great at itemizing where I am in my life, or disciphering my needs or whatever (does that make sense?), but I believe I am still processing at a very significant level. Without any real concious effort, I absorb what I am exposed to. There's alot of depth in this heart of mine, but that doesn't mean it needs to be complicated. After all, some of the most simple things are the most profound. I've also seen that my nature gives me the ability to be a peace-maker-I think I really am good at that. I'm also plenty good at stirring up trouble. I want to do the first. The world isn't all that complicated. People are pretty much the same wherever you go. Your attitude is contagious-don't look to only hang out with people who's attitude matches yours-just look for people to spend time with-everyone loves nerds. I'm gonna nap now. I love you all. | | |
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